& Dance Diffuser

       Age of 23, in December 2016, I remember listening to the same sound in a supermarket in my hometown, São José does Rio Preto-SP, in Brazil. I remember that sound was a shooting. I remember it was almost Christmas, if I'm not mistaken; on the 23rd, my dad and I went to buy a few things for our holiday. I remember once the sound of the shooting was getting closer, I saw people running and throwing themselves on the floor. I remember my dad frozen, not being able to walk, and I was screaming to him that we needed to find a safe place to hide and get down. I remember I remembered hiding in the toilet at Madureira. I remember I pulled my dad and ran to the storage to hide. I remember in the storage; I was trying to understand what was happening through sounds: screams, more shooting, sirens, warning, footsteps, helicopter, more shooting. I remember the cycle of sounds kept for almost 4 hours. I remember when the police contained the situation, they questioned everyone against a wall with a gun prepared in case someone of us was infiltered from the gang. I remember being asked about my itinerary and personal data with their gun close to my shoulder. I remember that after 6 hours, my dad and I were released. I remember leaving the supermarket smelling in the air, blood mixed with gunpowder. The news on that same day announced that more than 6000 bullets were fired during the police action against the gang, and two of the gang were killed.

       Age of 25, October 2018, I remember Bolsonaro got elected as president of Brazil. I remember arguing with my family members who voted for him. I remember losing friends who stopped talking to me because I said to not vote for him. I remember the news announcing the Ministry of Culture (MinC-BR) being closed, or should I say extinguished? I remember getting desperate about what I would do if this guy was cancelling and freezing all funds to Culture. I remember realising what an artist means in Brazil under a fascist government. I remember participating in many protests and feeling a deep sadness in revolt. I remember getting exhausted seeing History repeating itself. I remember understanding that even as an artist, I was still very privileged in Brazilian society as a white woman, as a person who had access to university. I remember to remember myself of who was not white, who could not have access to university, among many other things was suffering much more than me with such government. I remember renewing my energy and truly understanding for what I strive. I remember the cause can never be individual but collective. I remember reflecting on how a cause affects each person differs regarding the imposed layering by Capitalism on social class, race, gender and, yes, religion. I remember to see myself reflecting how Capitalism orientates my gaze, my understanding of the world and how could I change that.

       Age of 26, September 2019, I left Brazil, I left my family, I left my friends, but the burden memories have not left me. I remember I realised they are a substantial part of me, but they don't define me. I remember acknowledging what I am could never be segregated from each lived experience. I remember expanding my burden to listen to others’ burdens as well. I remember being afar from Brazil made me step out of myself to reflect and intersect TO DIFFRACT.

       Age of 29, I write in the present to remember this moment. I write about the idea behind the Anti-(weapon)-dote Body. I write that everyone has their own unique Anti-(weapon)-dote Body to claim their trajectories concerning others' lives. I write that the Anti-(weapon)-dote Body is always in relation to others, and the society; it is in submersion and emersion from the self-reflection to society-reflection. I write that to engage with Anti-(weapon)-dote Body is a deep process in re-(dis)-covering oneself and the relations to the power structures that shaped one’s experiences. I write that practising critical thinking through diffractions is to dissect the levels and layers of how the TRIAD: Colonisation, Capitalism and White Supremacy affects one's life. I write down, here, in this line, that the Anti-(weapon)-dote Body sticks to neither only the anti-weapon idea against the pitfalls of the TRIAD nor the antidote for the burden that one has lived so far. It is conjointly both and simultaneously throughout one’s lifetime. It is one's body in its wholeness without excluding no experience and unveiling on which aspect the TRIAD has rooted each one of those experiences, mostly the traumatic ones.