Thank you for being here. Obrigada por estarem aqui.
Thank you for listening to me. Obrigada por me escutarem.
Thank you for giving me the space for it. Obrigada por me cederem o espaço para isso.
Because I get scared of speaking in public.
Because I am anxious about holding this microphone.
Because I don't know how to do this yet.
Because I pronounce many words wrong.
Because I am doing it right now.
Because I need to write in English in order to make it accessible for everyone.
Because I need to speak in the Colonizer language to communicate in Europe.
Because I question how to be listened to.
Because I am a Brazilian immigrant in Europe.
Because I am in the in-between(ness).
Because this in-between(ness) triggers a deep abjection on me.
Because it is hard to keep track of two or more countries.
Because it is harder to keep track of two or more languages.
Because it is even harder to keep track of two or more systems of law.
Because I know that here I need to shift reality to believe that I’m s t i l l myself.
Because (even if it was true), I do not want to take the pill soma.
Because there is more than something to be seen in Brazil.
Because there is value in Brazil.
Because it goes beyond the archetype.
Because it is necessary to change the order of things.
Because the dichotomies are real.
Because the discrepancies are real.
Because I am shocked everytime that I go and come back from Brazil.
Because it does not matter how many times I go and come back, the schock will
always exist.
Because I wonder whether you would be shocked.
Because it is really hard to convey what it means in Brazilian reality.
Because it is really difficult to convey what I am trying here.
Because I need to carry with me other Brazilian memories.
Because in Brazil we have a diffractive reality.
Because here I feel suspension.
Because I lost my identity when I came here.
Because I’m not anymore so interested in identity.
Because it is in the Brazilian entity that I’m interested in.
Because I invoke the deity that vibrates through my body.
Because this world needs Exú.
Because my body speaks through Exú.
Because I don’t remove myself from the responsibility.
Because I assume these words.
Because it is in the junction. Because it is in the intersection. Because it is in the
crossroads that the urgency of a decision screams.
Because I understood from this experience that privilege comes with its
citizenship.
Because it is controversial how some Brazilians have an anti-colonialist mindset
while others a colonialist one.
Because the reproduction of such a pattern just traps us.
Because we are indeed in a vicious cycle.
Because the Brazilian Constitution written after the dictatorship does not serve
us all, the abjected bodies - Natives, African origins and women.
Because I realised I experience xenophobia here.
Because people spat on me. Because people spat on my friend.
Because we were speaking Brazilian Portuguese.
Because I realised the reality of becoming an abjected body here.
Because I AM REALLY TIRED of everything spinning only around Europe.
Because I don’t agree with this stupidness of Eurocentrism, much less Western
Culture.
Because I feel sorry for the Europeans who carry the burden of their ancestors'
actions, mostly the Colonization.
Because I feel sorry as well to carry the burden of a president who does not
represent me at all.
Because it is heavy.
Because I don’t want people confusing the image that my country carries right
now with me, with myself, with my beliefs.
Because I feel judged.
Because people also confuse citizens from the Middle East with their governors.
Because I learned from my mistakes.
Because I learned that I reproduce the Colonizer's behaviour by generalising.
Because generalisations don’t convey REALITY.
Because it is not trivial.
Because it is paramount to be accurate.
Because we have been studying European History for centuries.
Because there are more perspectives to be considered.
Because we, Brazilians, are not the Western definition of “soccer, women,
Carnival”.
Because I am NOT what you reflect on me as a Brazilian.
Because the Brazilian Culture carries the remnants of Colonization.
Because that’s why I want to emphasise the importance of Brazilian
counterculture.
Because the Brazilian memory needs to not only transgress the Colonized
mindset.
Because Brazilian memory needs to become other by listening to the
margins.
Because the Re-Antropofagia needs to be evoked in order to be settled.
Because the objectification and subjugation must be either diffracted or
abolished. Because p-o-w-e-r blind people. Because power needs to be detached
from an economic system.
Because Capitalism deprives a human from the human.
Because hierarchies combined with Capitalism only creates more space for the
non-human.
Because I’m sick of Western-virus.
Because we, Brazilians, were mixed by rapes to our natives. Because we were
mixed by the slavery. Because we were mixed by the Italian immigration. Because
we were mixed by the German immigration.
Because as a Brazilian, indeed, I have a mixed ancestrality.
Because my Native ancestrality fights with the Italian, German and Portuguese
ones.
Because I fight with myself.
Because I live in Europe now. Because I don’t have a European passport and I’m
not interested in having one either.
Because I need to pay more in an institution to study here. Because the European
system discriminates against me. Because I’m considered in the “non-EU”
category.
Because I am a Brazilian woman with Italian, German, Portuguese
AND,(AGAIN),AND Brazilian Native ancestralities.
Because today I claim my space, my right, my existence.
Because like me, there are many others.
Because there is no such thing as pure race. Because I don’t deserve to be treated
with a disrespectful xenophobic behaviour by others.
Because we Brazilians must see our value.
Because we Brazilians must stop comparing ourselves with Europeans.
Because I wished as a Brazilian to not need to study and work in Europe to be
valued.
Because as an artist without an exchange in Europe I'm not valued.
Because I had to surrender to this mechanism that happens in Brazil.
Because this mechanism is set by a Colonized mindset.
Because I ALWAYS had my value as an artist and person.
Because I don't like to be treated differently because I live in Europe now.
Because it is already difficult to leave Brazil.
Because it is more difficult to resist from afar.
Because it is horrible to see your entire country being dismantled from a
dis-government called Bolsonaro.
Because yes, indeed, a favela chora, (the favela cries).
Because it is not at all fair a dis-government takes advantage of the people who
couldn’t have access to education.
Because the (dis)government must have provided Education in the first place.
Because Fake News is a crime. Because Bolsonaro got his presidency through Fake News. Because people were brainwashed.
Because I don’t accept that. Because that is NOT legitimate.
Because it WAS AND still IS the biggest genocide from the century a president
deprives a whole country from the vaccine.
Because Bolsonaro is #notmypresident.
Because I lost family and friends due to Covid-19.
Because Covid-19, defined as “little flu” by Bozonaro, took more than six hundred
thousand of lives in Brazil.
Because, now, even after two dosis I was infected. Because it was HORRIBLE to
not be able to breathe.
Because I hate Bolsominions people. Because I don’t agree with the anti-vaccine
attitude. Because this time I’m not sorry.
Because Public Health should be minded with responsibility.
Because if you are not minding, you are being irresponsible.
Because I am not here to joy and please you this time.
Because my traces and face do not match with the voice behind this text.
Because this is who I truly am.
Because I really needed to say that out loud.
Because this is my TESTIMONY.
Because this is more than a testimony.
Because this is a POLITICAL STATEMENT.
Because I thank you for letting me.
(My last reason is:)
Because if you agree with what I write and say, please send me your testimony
about it.
Thank you for this experience. Obrigada por essa experiência.
Thank you for being my audience. Obrigada por serem meu público.
Thank you. Obrigada.
Gab. Apollo dos Santos Branco
Photos & Audio recording: Fenia Kotsopoulou
My "Why?" poem continues in process which provided already many versions of it, with many more reasons listed.
This is the version performed on January 20th, 2022 for the module Body in Dissent - Master Performance Practices//ArtEZ-Arnhem, The Netherlands.
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